I don’t usually enter competitions (always down to the judges personal taste) but when I saw there was one to be on the bill at Dr John’s gig in London, I thought I might as well have a go. The tour is called I WANNA BE YOURS after his iconic poem (now covered by the Arctic Monkeys and a regular on the GCSE syllabus and because of this, it was to be the title of your entry. So here, with John’s original poem is mine which imagines what might have been if the object of his affection had accepted his ‘deep devotion’.
I WANNA BE YOURS by John Cooper Clarke
I wanna be your vacuum cleaner
Breathing in your dust
I wanna be your Ford Cortina
I will never rust
If you like your coffee hot
Let me be your coffee pot
You call the shots
I wanna be yours
I wanna be your raincoat
For those frequent rainy days
I wanna be your dreamboat
When you want to sail away
Let me be your teddy bear
Take me with you anywhere
I don’t care
I wanna be yours
I wanna be your electric meter
I will not run out
I wanna be the electric heater
You’ll get cold without
I wanna be your setting lotion
Hold your hair in deep devotion
Deep as the deep Atlantic ocean
That’s how deep is my devotion
I WAS YOURS (John Cooper Clarke in A LIFE MORE ORDINARY)
Remember, I said, “I wanna be yours,”
Well, that was forty years ago today.
I really wanted to take care of you
In each and every possible way.
I hoovered, chauffeured you from place to place
Bought you a Gaggia beyond compare.
When it came to coats, you wanted for naught
Booked us on cruises…with my mal-de-mer!
I put up with all those cuddly toy bears
Staring at me from the vanity chair
Got a smart meter, to keep the house warm
While massaging Insette into your hair.
All these things I wanted to do for you
Because deep down I still wanna be yours.
In retrospect, I overplayed my hand;
Things turn out different behind closed doors.
‘Careful what you wish for’ is the lesson
To be learnt from this cautionary tale.
Unconditional love is rarer than
Finding a nipple in the Daily Mail.
Now look at me stood here in an apron
At a craft fair selling jams and chutney
You called the shots while I washed the pots
I WAS yours and look where it got me.