photo – penzance-tc.gov.uk

The famous Cornish historian, A L Rowse (born Tregonissey, near St Austell, 1903), wrote a number of books on the land of his birth, but the last one he completed before his death in 1997, was a strange little book, a slim volume, called Cornish Place Rhymes. Rowse remarked that “When Dr Johnson was sleepless at night, he occupied his mind composing Latin verses. Similarly, when I can’t get to sleep, I take to making rhymes on Cornish place-names.”

Though not overly troubled with sleepless nights, on one occasion when I was, I started to compose limericks using Cornish place-names. The trouble with this is that while thinking about possible rhymes for the place names, I was kept awake longer in trying to make the limericks make some kind of sense.

For a bit of fun, I decided to make an A-Z of Cornish place-name limericks…choosing, in the most case, places about which there was some uncertainty about the pronunciation. They were first put out on Facebook and people seemed to enjoy them, often taking the trouble to pull me up about scansion (not very often, I might add, but when they did, I accepted the improvement).

A is for ALTARNUN

A farmhand from old Altarnun

Like to bathe in the slurry for fun.

He found it quite calming

And a nice change from farming.

He’d just wash it all off when he’d done.

B is for BREAGE

A rocker from the village of Breage

Was caught listening to music by Greig.

With his buddies nonplussed,

He didn’t seem fussed

And put it down to heavy metal fatigue.

C is for CURY

A young rugby player from Cury

Got into one hell of a fury,

Which started a fight

And a cell for the night…

All because of a lukewarm Tandoori.

D is for DOUBLEBOIS

 An old lady from Doublebois;

The quintessence of elegant poise;

Really shocked all her peers

Who had known her for years,

When she ran off with two ladyboys.

E is for EGLOSHAYLE

Two brothers from near Egloshayle

Were arrested and forbidden bail.

For murdering a gent

Their lifespan was spent;

When they hanged them at old Bodmin gaol.

F is for FOWEY

An old lighthouse keeper from Fowey

Forever called out, “Ship Ahoy!”

He was doing no favours

By not going to Specsavers;

More often than not ‘twas a buoy.

photo – gunwalloecaravanpark.com

G is for GUNWALLOE

A birdwatcher holed up at Gunwalloe

Laid over three hours in a hollow.

In observing a twite,

He got stuck there all night

And it turned out to be just a swallow.

H is for HEAMOOR

A Scottish dancer living in Heamoor

Had a nasty mishap with a claymore.

He tried doing the splits;

That left some things in bits.

So, I guess I don’t need to say more.

I is for ILLOGAN

A malcontent poet from Illogan

Concerned about everyone huggin’,

Said, “I pretend I don’t know ‘em

Then I read them a poem

And finish it off by just shruggin’.

J is for JOPPA

An ASDA employee from Joppa

Got caught by a ‘mystery shopper’.

He could offer no excuse

For customer abuse;

So, they sacked him right there, good and proper.

K is for KILLIVOSE

A fashionista from up Killivose

Made outfits recycling old clothes.

It curtailed his enjoyment

In seeking employment

When he was offered a job scaring crows.

L is for LAUNCESTON (which is pronounced Lanson by many Cornish inhabitants)

A newbie on Tinder from Lanson

In the hope of pursuing romancin’.

Took his date out paintballing

Which she thought appalling

And would have preferred to go dancin’.

M is for MOUSEHOLE

A meticulous fellow from Mousehole

Had put great thought into matters espousal.

He planned out the wedding

But when it came to the ‘bedding’

He hadn’t researched the ‘arousal’.

©graylightfoot