As you may have already realised I quite like John Cooper Clarke. ‘Evidently Chickentown’ is one of John’s own favourite poems as it was chosen for the closing music for The Sopranos penultimate episode…he also says that when he reads it out “his swearbox doubles up as a high yield pension scheme”
In Evidently Pirate Town, I not only want to pay tribute to Dr Cooper Clarke but also to celebrate the madness that is Penzance whenever people are asked to dress up as pirates…and the mayhem that usually ensues. I guess that is what I like about this town…it’s always up for a good time
Unlike John’s poem, I have only one swearword in Evidently Pirate Town and even that is a half-hearted one. Hope it doesn’t detract.
Read it in a pirate-y voice for best effect.
NB The final lines refer to Humphry Davy (the genteel representation of Penzance, whose statue overlooks Penzance’s main street) who is buried in Geneva.
PENZANCE – EVIDENTLY PIRATE TOWN
Pirates in Poundland, Arr-gos and Boots
Pirates in Lloyds and all the towns’ banks
Pirates in Burtons ordering suits
Pirates in Jewsons ordering planks
They’ll make you walk them and watch you drown
‘Tis evidently Pirate Town
Pirates who know just what they’re doing
Pirates in an abstemious state
Pirates in the post office queueing
Pirates after a fav’rable rate
At point two six doubloons to the pound
‘Tis evidently Pirate Town
Pirates plundering char-i-dee shops
Pirates treasure is there to be found
Pirates partake in stylish teashops
Pirates dunking a ship’s biscuit down
Whether it’s scone, sconn or maybe scown
‘Tis evidently Pirate Town
Pirates dress up in velvet and lace
Pirates in make-up, mascara’d eyes
Pirates who’re more ‘on’ than ‘in your face’
Pirates rememb’ring to moisturise
Doing your nails in your dressing gown
‘Tis evidently Pirate Town
Pirates with beards of varying hue
Pirates, corsairs with very coarse hair
Pirates with dreadlocks, bumfluff boys too
Pirates fresh from the Barber-y chair
Fashions come around and go around
‘Tis evidently Pirate Town
Pirates on mobility scooters
Pirates all eager to pimp their ride
Pirates sailing dangerous waters
Pirates prepare to come alongside
Be wary of toes when they run aground
‘Tis evidently Pirate Town
Pirates pouring out of the station
Pirates incoming from all points east
Pirates dry, in search of libation
Pirates hungry, in search of a feast
There’s a parrot in the lost and found!
‘Tis evidently Pirate Town
Pirates board buses armed to the teeth
Pirates pressed and rammed to the gunwales
Pirates pre-loaded, needing to pee
Pirates cross-legged…short of urinals
The gutters run a goldeny-brown
‘Tis evidently Pirate Town
Pirates hoisting the skull and crossbones
Pirates signal like pirates in books
Pirates parlaying with mobile phones
Pirates are texting, using their hooks
Less like semaphore, more sensurround
‘Tis evidently Pirate Town
Pirates curse. They’re givers not takers
Pirates use language. Pardon their French
Pirates oaths are not made by Quakers
Pirates expletives make dockers blench
More fecking swearing than Mrs Brown
‘Tis evidently Pirate Town
Pirates acting like Neanderthals
Pirates deluded – think they’re God’s gift
Pirates molested by action girls
Pirates naked in the Wharfside Lift
Now it won’t go either up or down
‘Tis evidently Pirate Town
Pirates in Transit back home from France
Pirates loaded with baccy and rum
Pirates booty to sell in Penzance
Pirates tap noses. Pirates keep schtum
There are smugglers tunnels underground
‘Tis evidently Pirate Town
Pirates with kids head to the seaside
Pirates who are kids head for the port
Pirates mess about on the quayside
Pirates are hoping not to get caught
The Scillonian’s Tortuga-bound
‘Tis evidently Pirate Town
Pirates emboldened, wild and raucous
Pirates can’t hold back inhibition
Pirates fazed and losing their focus
Pirates head for the Seaman’s Mission
There’s mention of Press-Gangs in The Crown
‘Tis evidently Pirate Town
Pirates dance to a frantic shanty
Pirates a-wooing ship’s figureheads
Pirates strip off and do The Full Monty
Pirates in Penzance far from their beds
There’ll be some rare sights around sundown
‘Tis evidently Pirate Town
In Geneva, Humphry’s spinning round
‘Tis evidently Pirate Town.
©gray lightfoot
Hear Gray read the poem at…
The inspirational EVIDENTLY CHICKEN TOWN by John Cooper Clarke (WARNING! contains language)
gray lightfoot 